QuakerInfo.com Forum

[rocketsfan05]

As we know, Christians, particulary Quakers, as ourselves are pacifists. We see it through out our history from Jesus forgiven those who crucified, to George Fox blessing those who caused him harm.

There's someone I know who just really, really makes me mad. He's spoiled, gets a way with everything, has a condescending attitude, and just really annoys me by poking me, making comments regarding my faith, and just being a downright asshole.

I ask, how do you love your enemy and pray for those who foresake you? Is there anything that helps you remain loving, forgiving, and calm?

[Jim Wilson]

This is a difficult area, one I think all of us have faced at times. Here are a few approaches I have used in the past, perhaps they will be of some assistance.

First, I recall those times in the past when I have behaved in a less than perfect manner; or, let's be honest, in ways that were belittling to others, times when I have been sarcastic or demeaning. This allows me to see the behavior that is directed at me as not something foreign or something I am unfamiliar with and therefore it becomes easier for me to forgive.

Second, if a person persists in this kind of behavior I try to distance myself from them rather than trying to change them. If we share a work space that can be problematic, but I've discovered that there are usually ways of decreasing my involvement with such a person and even a slight decrease can be helpful.

Third, I pray for them. I ask that God assist them and I also ask God for assistance and guidance in dealing with the situation.

Fourth, I return to the light. When in the midst of this kind of interaction I mentally return to the light. I do this by using a key word, or phrase, to mentally remind me of the presence and that it is there at all times. I tend to use 'kyrie eleison' as I like the way it sounds and its message of mercy. But there are many other possiblities such as 'Our Father', or 'My Refuge', or 'My Guide', or a phrase or key word from a Psalm, like 'Shepherd'. It should be easy and meaningful to you and biblically based. Mentally recalling the presence reminds me that I dwell in a larger context. The tendency in difficult interpersonal situations is to forget that larger context so that the difficulty takes over my whole world (an example, people often say that such an interaction 'ruined my day'). Reminding myself of a Divine Quality and its presence through this process of recollection shifts my mind to the larger context and I am then calmer and more able to deal with the difficulty which has appeared. It helps me to comprehend the situation from the perspective of eternity.

I work in retail and in retail one is thrown into interactions with all kinds of people not of one's choosing. In retail one must interact with difficult people on a regular basis and one has to learn how to deal with it with equanimity, so my job gives me many opporunities for the kinds of approaches I have mentioned here.

Best wishes,

Jim
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www.shapingwords.blogspot.com

[Dan]

Friend,

Thee & I must know the same person! I just pray the same cannot be said by others of thee or me.

How difficult it is to persist in the love of Christ, and yet Christ tells us to "pray for those who dispitefully use you" So my advice to thee is pray, pray, pray. I have found when I begin to pray for those people who "irk" me, the Lord begins changing . . . ME! Yes, I am the one who benefits from the prayer. I don't ask God to change the person other than that He will bring them to see his great love for them and that they will too come to know the love of Christ in their hear and that God would fill my heart with love for that person and that He will help me to see them as He does; then I end up being blessed in the process.

Thy Friend,
Dan

[michaeldavidjay]

I have a little brother too - actually I have three of them. My parents struggled with us learning to be peaceful with one another too . Unfortunately, I had to accept non-violence for myself before I stopped fighting with my brothers -- um... er... we all grew up since then.

If you have someone who is not a little bother poking you, and generally asking for a punch in the nose -- I'm really sorry to hear that. I have no idea what advice to give. We all have to learn to respect both ourselves and others. I trust that you have tried words?
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Do Friends speak to today's condition, or are we only a historical footnote?

[gobaith]

I try to imagine a protective bubble around myself, inside of which I am basking in the sunshine of God's love ( ). It gives me a little bit of distance and protection, I feel that the other person behaviour doesn't "get" to me so much...

[kevin roberts]

[Patrocles]

Personally, I retreat into sadness - Fox' "ocean of darkness" has always been more near to me than his "ocean of light".
I feel that I suffer and I remind the past sufferings I haven't overcome: which helps me not to overestimate the new suffering from a new experience and a new person: he/she's only part of a darkness which has surrounded me and us, him/her included.
But I can something which he perhaps can't: I can feel and realize that darkness as a darkness, so I know that there's a light elsewhere in whose shadow I'm living.

[punkrainbow]

When I become angry at someone I always go back to that wonderful Oscar Wilde quote, 'Love your enemies because nothing annoys them more'. Paradoxical but helpful none-the-less.
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I saw the infinite love of God. I saw also that there was an ocean of darkness and death; but an infinite ocean of light and love, which flowed over the ocean of darkness.

[kevin roberts]

there's this too:

Romans 12:20 Therefore if thine enemy hunger, feed him; if he thirst, give him drink: for in so doing thou shalt heap coals of fire on his head.

i think the implied purpose was different, though.

[Anthony]

[kevin roberts]

either one

the idea is to convict him

[Anthony]

[Kiahanie]

In Friendly usage, "convict" most often means "To make aware of one's sinfulness or guilt," a necessary step in the process of perfecting one's way of being in the world.

My own addendum: "forgiveness" among humans is most often to the benefit of the forgiver, not the trespasser. Sometimes forgiveness is the gate to penitence on the part of the trespasser. Sometimes an example of Living Spirit is the gate, as Paul suggests above.
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"There is a field out beyond right and wrong. I'll meet you there." --Jellaludin Rumi

[Anthony]

I was interested in the biblical quote from Kevin that mentioned heaping 'coals of fire on the head' of ones enemy:

Romans 12:20 Therefore if thine enemy hunger, feed him; if he thirst, give him drink: for in so doing thou shalt heap coals of fire on his head.

This does not seem to be in tune with Jesus' instruction to forgive one's enemies - it is not unconditional forgiveness, not requiring one's 'enemy' to suffer as a consequence of our forgiveness. I have checked this out with several other translations and all of them mention the heaping of coals. However, perhaps the Message translation may say it in its true meaning:

Our Scriptures tell us that if you see your enemy hungry, go buy that person lunch, or if he's thirsty, get him a drink. Your generosity will surprise him with goodness. Don't let evil get the best of you; get the best of evil by doing good. (Romans 12:20. Message)

[Kiahanie]

The "heaping of coals" is probably not to be taken literally. Most commentary on the passage suggests that is a figure of speech representing a call to repentance. I have heard reference to a custom (Egyptian?) of carrying a plate of coals over one's head as a sign of penitence.
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"There is a field out beyond right and wrong. I'll meet you there." --Jellaludin Rumi