QuakerInfo.com Forum

aprilmariebaker · Joined: 13 Feb 2008 Posts: 4

Hello -

I'm certain that the more I talk the more trouble I make. How can a person function in the world and at the same time take a vow of silence? I regret most of what I say and I really want to be released from myself.

April Baker

punkrainbow · Joined: 24 Dec 2007 Posts: 301 Location: Leeds

Dear April,

Shay · Joined: 01 Jun 2005 Posts: 885

aprilmariebaker · Joined: 13 Feb 2008 Posts: 4

Hello and thank you for answering so quickly.

I especially like the "is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary?" reply. I seldom know if what I am saying is true or kind - because the reactions aren't what I expect most of the time - but I do know that the great majority of the time what I say isn't necessary.

People often open up to me with real complex problems - like drug addiction, sexual abuse histories, money problems, you name it. I'm a woman who grew up in a tough place with a parent that was mentally ill so I've seen it all and I'm not about to condemn anybody or act like I'm better than them. These people tell me I'm safe so they open to me, but sometimes I think it's just because I have a kind face and the time to listen.

I'm not a counselor so I'd like to suggest that the people should see a counselor because I don't want to be responsible for what other people might do - thing is nobody, including me, has any money for counselors -that's a rich people thing and the few people I do know who went to counselors were forced to by the courts and they hated it. But in my growing sad experience, I find advice is kindof dangerous. People can be very unpredictable and I'm more likely to say the wrong thing than the right thing. I just want to pull back and not feel responsible for people killing themselves and the only way I can see to do that is to shut up and to clam up.

Thanks for the help.

April

Shay · Joined: 01 Jun 2005 Posts: 885

Anthony · Joined: 30 Jun 2004 Posts: 1542

Long listening silences can be unnerving. I guess many of us have had the disturbing experience of talking our heads off to a very, very good listener who simply sits, maintaining eye contact, nodding and grunting at the appropriate times (the professional listener) until we bore ourselves and then feel guilty for not shutting up sooner.

Keith Maddison · Joined: 20 Feb 2007 Posts: 238 Location: North England

Dear April.

I have been like you most of my life, these days I try to think before my say anything, now all I seem to get from people is 'your very quite these days'. If what you have to say is important you will say it.
_________________
Don't follow leaders and watch the parking meters, the pumps don't work because the vandals took the handles.
Keith

BillSamuel · Posted: Wed Feb 27, 2008 8:17 am Post subject:

Anthony · Joined: 30 Jun 2004 Posts: 1542

For some more interesting quotes on silence: http://www.quotationspage.com/subjects/silence/

aprilmariebaker · Joined: 13 Feb 2008 Posts: 4

Hi

I love that Mark Twain quote.

April

BillSamuel · Posted: Thu Feb 28, 2008 8:12 pm Post subject:

It's a good quote, but who first said it? Googling the quote comes up with a huge number of sites, including some quotation sites, which attribute it to Mark Twain. But I found that there is a book on Twain that lists it among the things he didn't say.

In addition to the attribution to Abraham Lincoln in the quotes on silence earlier referenced here, it has been attributed to Confucius, George Eliot, Queen Elizabeth and others. In one place, I saw a suggestion that it simply be treated as a maxim without attributing it. I didn't find any place that cited a specific reference for the quote, only the supposed author.
_________________
Bill Samuel, Silver Spring, MD, USA
Co-Coordinator, Friends in Christ

kevin roberts · Posted: Fri Feb 29, 2008 11:13 am Post subject:

Diane · Joined: 19 Mar 2007 Posts: 214 Location: Australia

I have great sympathy for annemarie; I too find that remarks are often misunderstood, or misused, or that I have expressed them so badly that they have an unexpected effect.

One of the best advices I've ever had when lamenting this came from an old country bloke - because any mistake made in a country town is a mistake never forgotten.

He said "before you answer, say the sentence in your own head. At first the gap between answering will seem horribly long to you, but the other person will interpret it as meaning that what they said is interesting enough to be worth taking time to think about. Only when you have 'vetted' your answer should you say it."

Of course, this doesn't apply to utterances which are moved by the Spirit, where we so often just have to deliver the words as given, embarrasing or not.